just breathe

i would first just like to make a shout out to my uncle johnny for being such a great person and making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world on thursday. he was in town on business this past week and i got to spend my enitre thursday morning with him. i felt so close to home while i was talking to him, eating a delicious breakfast with him, even when it was taking us 20 minutes to work payment out with the ethiopian taxi driver. his coworker, but more importantly dear friend, mike came with us to breakfast and i just feel so blessed to have met him and spent time with him.  they're both men of Christ and their insight was greatly needed and appreciated.

i've been feeling a lot of anxiety the last couple of days about what i'm doing. yeah sure, everyone tells me that i'm doing a great thing and that they're so proud of me (which i really appreciate so keep 'em coming because it makes a huge difference on my daily perspective), but i don't know if this is what He wants me to be doing quite frankly. i know i'm here for a reason but i don't know if that reason is to stay.  i'm not really happy with the whole dynamic and workings of the house and so it's giving room for a lot of doubt.  but the good news is that we're getting a new community member soon which will hopefully ease the tension of the house.

it's almost freaky how much the alchemist relates to things i'm going through and feeling and thinking. i mean, of course i'm no shepherd boy that's seeking his treasure at the pyramids in egypt, but other than that we're pretty much the same. i was reading outside the ridonkulously huge library downtown yesterday afternoon and after reading this excerpt i teared up.  it just really speaks to me and is a huge comfort and reminder. he's speaking to his heart (literally) and tells it that, "every second of your search is an encounter with God.  when i have been truly searching for my treasure, every day has been luminous, because i've known that every hour was a part of the dream that i would find it. when i have been truly searching for my treasure, i've discovered things along the way that i never would have seen had i not had the courage to try things that seemed impossible for a shepherd to achieve." i am truly, honestly searching for my treasure...and whether i find it here or not, i will always know that i had the courage...the courage to try something that seemed impossible for me...something i wanted to do but was so afraid to even mention it out loud. but i did. and i'm here. all i can do is follow, listen and talk to my heart. it will lead me to the right place.

so today, on this rainy day in san jose, i'm going to breathe...just breathe. i was reminded of this in the midst of all my worry by a dear friend. i am so blessed with all the things that i'm a part of, all the people i am meeting, but mostly, i am blessed with the amazing love that my family and friends have for me. there's no shot in hell that i would still be here right now if it weren't for the support and words of encouragement from people thousands of miles away from me. and while missing them and wishing i was home is natural, it's not going to make the next five months very easy. all i can do is breathe. and be thankful. and as DHT would say, listen to my(your) heart.

i will most likely write again tonight and it could very well contradict everything i'm feeling and saying right now depending on the frustrations today and how i handle them. thank you all for being so patient with me. for experiencing this up and down adventure with me.  this blog has become so much more personal than i even anticipated and is keep me extremely close to home. i just can't thank you all enough. one of my favorite quotes is "one loving soul sets another on fire." you all are the reason why i am able to love with all that i have and i hope that i can in some small way, do the same for you.