for where your treasure is...

there your heart will be also..i have read and reread this bible passage from matthew and this very same quote from the alchemist over and over for the past couple of days. the more i read, the more i realize how true this is. i came here in search of my treasure, and ever since i got here (which will be a month next week), i've known that my treasure isn't here. now you all may be gasping at the sight of that sentence...or you all might know me so well that you saw this coming. either way, i have fought within myself for weeks to push out this feeling of certainty that this is not right for me because i so badly want it to be. a part of me wanted to come here and never go back home (except for holidays). a part of me wanted to stay here and meet my future husband and raise a family, all in this house. and i think the part of me that wanted this, was also the part that didn't want to quit. i don't want to give up when i'm a month in. i don't want to tell all these beautiful people that have been cheering me on since day one that it's not really working out and that i don't feel right about it. but it isn't. and i don't know if that will change but i have a gut feeling, that it won't. i decided a few days ago to start speaking up...to do what i know in my heart is right despite the rules and regulations of the house. the fact that me questioning things and not agreeing with some guidelines of the house is causing problems is a sign that this may not be the right thing for me. and it is my fault that i didn't speak up the first 2 weeks of being here but i mean i was afraid. im a 20 year old who just flew out here without knowing what it was like really? how am i supposed to feel. and she's so much older and wiser and has more experience in life and social work. but social work isn't why the catholic worker was started. dorothy day had no experience as a social worker. and i can tell you right now, dorothy day would not be smiling about the way this house is run. i feel like we're babysitting these women. telling them what to do, when to do it. i can't live like this honestly. i apologize if at any point this gets too real and honest for you but this is how i feel.  i'm not saying for sure that i won't be staying. and if i leave like i feel i'm going to, it's not going to be tomorrow (although that would be nice)...we have a new community member coming in a week or so. i'll see how the dynamic is with him around. i'm going to continue to follow my heart and speak up. if others can't deal with that, then i think the answer of whether or not i should stay will unfold itself.  all i know is that i would rather leave early knowing that i did what i could and stood up for what i know is right, than stick it out for 6 months just to prove to myself that i'm not a quitter. i thought i was going to come here and be pushed so far to love people that my heart ached...instead, there are rules and regulations that keep my from fully loving and living in community with these women and i feel like that heartache is a much worse one to have. i expected to give all that i have, not to be confined to only giving a certain amount in order to maintain a certain level of comfort. did you know that the women here can't pass a curtain that leads to the kitchen and front of the house (where the community members sleep) after a certain time of night? why? well apparently for our own safety. basically, we're saying to them, "hey we're afraid of what you might do to the house/us because you've been on the streets and god knows what you've done or seen so we're going to put up this curtain to make that fear visible to you." oh, and the guests can't open the fridge. at all. ever. they have to get a community member to open it for them if they need anything. oh so because they're homeless, they're not allowed to have a midnight snack of a glass of milk? they also can't be at the house during the day on any day of the week. not even weekends. god it's like a prison honestly. i'm just so pissed and frustrated and upset. and i can see that these women understand what's going on. they see the locks on the doors they're not allowed to open. they see the curtain. they see the sign on the fridge. they know they are not our equals. they know they can't be trusted. fuck that. pardon my french but honestly it makes me sick. if we're going to have the courage and audacity to welcome strangers into our home, we have to have a certain amount of trust in humanity and we have to sacrifice a certain amount of security and comfort in order for it to work.  i've tried to have patience...i've tried to remain hopeful that these feelings of disagreement within my heart were just because i was out of my comfort zone. but i can't have patience for ignorance. and i can't pretend that i'm out of my comfort zone when i'm really not. what's so uncomfortable isn't that i'm living in community with people that have nothing. the thing that's so uncomfortable is that i feel like this house is set up to make sure these people know that we, the community members have maintained a certain level of comfortablility. if that makes any sense. i just don't get the feeling that this house is so much about creating community as it is about telling these people how much help they need and then making them do it on their own. and i'm not down with that.

welp, on that note, have a great day!