Sunday, January 23, 2011

the show goes on

i am so inspired, nay, HYPED right now. i honestly feel spiritually, emotionally, and yes ladies and gents, even physically jacked. i know, a complete 180 from last night but that's the beautiful thing about life. for every bad day, there's a beautiful one to follow. god just brought me back in such a kick ass way tonight.  it was one of my first life nights as a core member (leader) at incarnate word's lifeteen and i'm going to be honest, i kind of went into this particular adventure thinking that i was going to be the one of my time and energy to the teens and therefore giving back to a place that was home to my spiritual food for the last four years. but as we all know, i'm usually wrong in my assumptions. i mean, it's weird how inspired you can be after attending a lifenight as we call it. especially during social justice month. tonight we talked about hunger and poverty (usual topics)...but we also watched a video that i had never seen (which is saying something considering i'm an avid youtuber.) but this video was about a brother and sister in northern uganda named sam and esther.  they were these little, tiny, starving children that had been completely abandoned by their parents.  the only person that attempted to care for them was their 8 year old sister who walked miles to get water in order to bathe them because she knew she couldn't feed them. can you say heartwrenching?

what i'm trying to say is that god completely just took me and said (disclaimer: didn't actually say this to me but a girl can dream, can't she?)  "caitlin.get a grip. look at what needs to be done. remember i have plans for you. awesome plans. don't stress about your career or whether or not you'll meet someone when you think the time is right. i know. i will provide. enjoy and soak up these beautiful outlooks and words from these people that love me.let that inspire you." and boy did it.

i am so blessed. i have so much so that means i must have something to give back. i need to go find it instead of waiting for it to plop into my lap...because it just doesn't work like that. the show goes on, and what a beautiful one it is.

incomplete and insecure

...don't worry it's just an avett brothers song's not completely how i feel right now but pretty damn close.

the first line of this sad yet beautiful song says "i haven't finished a thing since i've started my life..." i feel like this is the story of my life. i just am so entirely frustrated right now with myself and my indecisiveness. i feel like i can never make up my mind and just "ooh i wanna do special ed! i wanna do occupational therapy! i wanna do photography!...ooh but art teacher would be cool!" it's always something different and i know it's not just me being paranoid because i see it in the rolling eyes of those i talk to. the people that love and care about me, the people who are the ones that believe in me, can't really ever trust my decisions when it comes to a career or livelihood because i'm always changing my freaking mind! and i know yeah sure, whatever, change my mind all i can now so i can find something i love but it's completely annoying to me. i have friends that have known for years what they've wanted to be...and they're doing it! meanwhile, i move from one thing to another like a little kid with ADHD put in a room with a bunch of shiny things. and yeah, some could argue that it's because i know what i like and don't like but that's not entirely true. because i feel like a lot of times, i just run away from things before i even get in the thick of it.

i mean, i don't regret the way that i've done things, but i often wonder if i would have been better off just staying in school and working through it. was i really just going to san jose to get away from my problems or my worries? did i foolishly think they weren't going to follow me?

i know it's an attractive and admirable quality to be confident in yourself, but right now i am not. i'm confident in the kind of person i am but that's a whole different ball game from being confident in the decisions you're making about your career and future. i have NO idea what i want to do. there are just so many things i would love to try. and i wish my brain would just shut off sometimes and stop constantly spinning and coming up with these ridiculous thoughts and scenarios that i think are going to happen if i go this way or that way.  i hate that i'm up right now at 4 o'clock in the morning because i can't make it stop. i'm just sick of not knowing. i feel like i'm always in a sea of the unknown and right now folks, i'm drowning.

"what is important? what's really important?...will i ever know silence without mental violence? will the ringing at night go away? it's up to you, my father, call on me."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

if these walls could speak

so as you know (if you've been following this mediocre blog), i have been home since right before thanksgiving.  i have been so blessed with this rare opportunity and ample (and i mean ample) time with my family.  it truly is a special chance for me to just focus on them and loving them and living with and for them.  and god has it been hard and exhausting and challenging.  why is that? why is it usually the hardest to be the best person you can be to the ones that love you the most; your family? i mean these are the people who know exactly how crazy i am and love me regardless. i am constantly surrounded by the ones who love me for exactly who i am and yet, i still feel alone.  i don't really know why and if i could change this feeling, believe me i would.  but lately, i have just felt lonely.

i love looking up words on, so since i've been throwing this "lonely" word around in this blog, i decided to look it up...and every definition given didn't seem to make sense for me. "lone; solitary; without company; companionless."  "remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak: a lonely road." "standing apart; isolated: a lonely tower." first of all, these are all completely depressing definitions, and second of all, i'm (by definition) not alone.  i'm around people all day.  in fact, some alone time would be great but of course, in the whyte house, you don't really get a lot of that.  so why is it that i feel this way? 

i was talking to one of my best friends the other night and i was telling her that i feel like a part of me has grown up too fast.  i have decided for myself to not have the typical "college lifestyle" and i think as a result, loneliness comes into play.  i'm not in the same physical place as my peers, on a college campus and therefore i'm in a different state of mind in some ways.  i think about things, that otherwise i wouldn't have nearly as much time to think about and these thoughts and emotions i think make me feel isolated from the rest of the people in my age group.  i mean for christ's sake, i'm thinking about marriage and families because that's the enviornment i'm constantly surrounded by.  i, caitlin whyte, am worrying for the first time about financial security because that's a big worry of those around me. 

i don't really even know how to say what i want to say right now. i just needed to get it out. thanks for allowing me to do that.

Monday, January 17, 2011

love will lead us home

i love reading other cooler people than myself who are doing beautiful things. artsy things, kind things, funny things, selfless things.  my favorite blog is called The Journey.  my friend megan showed it to me and it's about this young woman named katie who lives in africa and has adopted 14 girls. it's amazing to read about her struggles and joy.  i am in awe of what she's doing and how gracefully she's doing it. people are really cool. simple as that.

bring me back

i just got off the phone with one of my favorite people in the entire world and i couldn't feel more blessed.  she completely brought me what's important to me and my soul, to who i am...not the me of this world but the me of the one to come. and she did it so effortlessly and probably without even knowing.  it was just one of those honest and pure conversations that doesn't happen every day but you're almost happy that it doesn't...because if it did, it wouldn't mean nearly as much and it most definitely wouldn't be as profound or important. 

i realized when we were talking that living a life dedicated to a higher power, no matter what that higher power may be, is extremely difficult sometimes. and also can be incredibly lonely. why? why do i even dedicate my life to a higher power if we're all going to end up in the same place (i think we're all going to a phat party inside the pearly gates of heaven my friends)? and i honestly don't know the answer. but i look at it like this. you do what makes you genuinely happy. and nothing less than that. and it doesn't matter what that is. and everyone's joy, pure happiness, is at least slightly different.

 but i do know that we can't look to each other for the answer. because everyone has their own bag of tricks. everyone's got that something. that something of their own that makes them happy. that something that makes them feel at home. that gives them those warm fuzzy feelings. and i honestly think that's what it's all about. are you honestly pursuing things that bring you great joy? what is your heart designed to do? what fulfills you? go and find it. and then enjoy it and grab onto it and never let go. because that's all you need. joy. joy by definition is the prospect of possessing what desires. isn't that beautiful? joy is hope. joy radiates love. and love, as the beatles say, is all you need.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

people are crazy

i have come to realize this simple fact a lot in the past few months.  which is why i love people so much and why the human race is so completely fascinating to me. i mean, people really are crazy.  we as people feel some weird need to consume our lives with things at all times.  whether those are good or bad things depends, but we all do.  work, school, romantic relationships, friendships, problems, sports, material possessions, music, art, media,'s alway something.  thinking about this notion has forced me to think about the many things that i am constantly using as a means of consumption. what do i fill my time with? what makes up my life?  of course i would love to be able to say my life is completely filled by love and god and happiness. but i would just be kididng myself and whoever's reading this if i were to say that.  those things are definitely part of it, and while i wish they were a lot bigger (i'm always wishing they were bigger) i'm still human and i have things about me that i'm not proud of.  i think my biggest consumption is thought...but i don't mean in a good way. i'm sure some people could see that as a positive and not a negative but for me, it really is something that i struggle with. and of course, i let things like those i mentioned previously consume my time and energy as much as the next average joe, but thought is my daily struggle.  i mean, i could think for days, hell, probably weeks about the most random and unimaginable things.  i dwell way too much on things, sometimes on things that haven't even happened abd probably never will. do you know what i mean when i say that? i am creepily good at thinking about something, and then overthinking, and then overthinking some more.  i believe that's why i'm so sensitive. i take everything in, but i take too much from it.  my mind is literally always running, even when i'm calm and relaxing...even when i'm not worried. i'm always thinking so much about things. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to just have a day off.  to just not think for a day. i'm sure it would be pure bliss. that's what my heaven's going to be i think. no thought. 

even though it's really frustrating and i don't enjoy struggling with it, the fact that i think too much is a part of who i am. and i can work on it and get better with it, but it will in some way, always be a part of me. i've decided that it's better to just accept and love things about yourself and others (especially) that are hard for you to do so. because that's when love is at it's best. when it's hard but you still do it. so just remember that, and make sure you appreciate those crazy sons of bitches that for some weird reason, love you even when you're weird and annoying and hard to put up with.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

you say you want a revolution

revolution...this is what i would like for my life in 2011. i want my life to be revolutionized. i want more than a few weird goals i keep for a month or two before getting bored with them.  i want more than to "be healthier" or "find a cool hobby"...i want to do things. i want to learn as much as i can about the world around me. i want to push myself farther (further?) than i've ever pushed myself before.

tomorrow i start my job at a school for special needs children in downtown st. louis.  i'm so nervous but so excited. i can't sleep and i have a pimple right above my lip because i internalize my stress. 

i'm so excited to live like i've never lived before. you know lately, i've been feeling like i want to go back...go back in time. back to highschool because quite honestly, i like my highschool self in a lot of ways a lot more than i like my current self.  but i heard a song today that really grabbed my attention. it said "and though my innocence was taken, not everything is lost."  i may not be as innocent as i once was, but i'm still excited about life and happy to be living it. i still have a lot to offer this world. and although i'm not really sure what that is or entails yet, i can't wait to find by beautiful day.