danny's song

...is my family's song. i don't really know how exactly or why exactly but we love it. and sing it. and i just listened to it when i was in already in a very fragile state of mind and now i'm crying. silently so no one else can here me. but crying. and i can't stop thinking about how much i love them and how much they mean to me. the six of us love each other so much. more than we are willing to admit. so tonight, in order to not only make myself feel better by writing about it but also to let these five people know how much i love and miss them, i would like to dedicate this one to the whyte_clan (our family's politically incorrect email address).

i miss my mom.

                                    

i want her to hug me while simultanerously scratching my back. i want her to wipe the tears off my cheeks with with her worn in hands and tell me i'm a big girl. i want her to tell me everything's going to be okay and that this is only making me stronger. i want her to kiss my forehead and tell me she's proud of me and that she loves me and that i'm doing the right thing. i want to come visit her at work and hear all her fellow nurses  gush about her to me. i am so proud of her. i miss her so much. more than i can even explain. i know your mom shouldn't be one of your best friends, but cheryl whyte is an exception.

and i miss my dad.

                                                 

i miss the way i can smell his 5 dollar cologne from walmart on him when he hugs me in the morning or when he gets home from work. i miss when he says peace to me at mass, gives me a kiss on the cheek while he's hugging me and whispers "i love you and i'm proud of you." i miss his inappropriate jokes. i miss him playing air guitar while listening to his ipod. i miss his ugly clothes that he's not even aware of how hideous they actually are...which subsequently makes them endearing instead of ugly. i miss his two minute recovery time from hurting my feelings to saying sorry and him hugging me even if i don't want to be hugged. what i would

give to have one of those hugs right now...

i miss my brother.

i miss his rude humor. i miss laughing at most of what he says...unless he calls me a bitch...then it's over. no more funny. i miss his laugh and the weird things he does to entertain himself more so than anyone else. i miss those rare but oh so special moments when he confides in me and tells me something he wouldn't tell anyone else, whether he wants to admit it or not. i miss his big hugs and how he'll hug me back every single time i hug him, without fail.

i miss my sister.

                                   

i miss her dance moves...that girl can bust it. i miss her laugh, like when she really laughs...and she sounds like she can't breathe. i miss sharing a room with her, staying up into the wee hours of the night, laughing about nothing. i miss seeing her walk through the front door in her uniform after school; a daily reminder of how proud i am of her and how much better of a student she is than me.i miss how i can smell her bodyspray as i'm walking up the stairs on a friday evening as she's getting ready. i miss watching her get ready before she goes out with her friends. it brings me back to sixteen and my mindset at that time...if only my biggest problem today was deciding who to ask to homecoming.

                                       

i miss my sister.

.

                                       

i miss her energy. i miss feeling slightly innebriated everytime i'm with her because she's just off the walls and so contagious. i miss her many different laughs (she has yet to develop a real one). i miss her two front teeth. i miss the fact that she kisses me and gives me five hugs before she goes to bed every night. i miss her humor, even though it's not a brand i usually go for. i miss how proud she gets of herself when she accomplishes something. i miss her stories abotu school and all the fifth grade drama...real serious stuff. i miss how she tries to impress me and libby simply because we're her "cool" big sisters.

i miss my family. i miss always having a partner in crime. whether it's laughing or eating or yelling or watching a movie or doing the dishes or crying or talking or swimming or walking or running or dancing or singing. i miss it. all of it. and it makes this very hard. a lot harder than it already is. but in a weird way, it keeps me going. because i know that if i keep doing this and stick to it, i will be with them sooner than i think and i will be able to love them better as a result of this experience. and even if i've had a rough day here and i'm feeling hopeless about what it is i'm doing here or what He's trying to show me, i will try to remember the words to danny's song:

"everything will bring a chain of love. and in the mornin' when i rise, you bring a tear of joy to my eyes and tell me everything's gonna be alright."

                                         

"just remember there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name."