rainfall and guster

so this is great. that formal complaint i just issued to the big guy, scratch it. here i'll just do it....formal complaint. sorry that was annoying, i just wanted to see what it looked like. first of all, let me just clarify that while i was frustrated when i wrote that last post, it was intended for some laughs. and a bit of a therapeutic process. i was really upset tonight because brooke, the guest with the daughter and the one i've connected the most with, didn't come home last night. didn't call or anything. major party foul here at the catholic worker. and really sad/scary because of the fact that it's not just her but an adorable 2 year old baby girl as well. so just as i was getting used to the idea that she wasn't coming back, door bell rings. it's her and the baby. greeaaattt. now we have to look her in the eyes and tell her we can't have her live here anymore because it's house policy. my heart was shattered. as i held the baby and tears welled up in my eyes, sharon explained that she couldn't stay here anymore but that she could sleep on the couch for tonight and that we could help her find another place to stay. it was so sad and i just didn't get why god led me to this situation. but regardless, i think that sneaky bastard was actually listening to me piss and moan. let me explain ( and please don't be offended that i just referred to god as a bastard...it is kinda funny though...isn't it?):

okay so i write this extremely self seeking, whiny letter and click the handy publish button on this here blogger. i go to the bathroom and take care of my business...now don't get any ideas. i simply brushed my teeth and washed my face. then i went downstairs because i wasn't sure if the coffee maker was actually turned on and i couldn't stop thinking about it...that's not pathetic or anything. anyway, i came back upstairs, got my jammies on, and dove into my covers to read a little before i drifted into a hopefully deep sleep. i believe i've mentioned this previously, but i'm currently reading the alchemist and i get really into it. so i just started reading and was enthralled by the book. when i began to nod off i realized i should stop and put the book down because let's face it, nothing's dorkier than waking up the next morning with a book in your hands and your reading glasses on your chest. but before i closed the book, i noticed a piece of paper along with a postcard i've been using as a bookmark. i knew what the postcard was, but i didn't remember this sheet of paper. i looked on it, and all it said was, "do not be discouraged. you are not forgotten." okay! i was immediately overwhelmed by this sense of humility which is weird that this is happening today because the gospel was about humility. it's just all weird. it's weird that this particular sheet of paper was in my book to begin with. it's weird that i just happened to notice it at that point. it's weird that stay with me jesus was playing in the background as i was reading it. it's weird that it was exactly what i needed. it's just plain weird. and a huge reminder as to why i'm really here, doing what i'm doing. it's not so i can be loved on and hugged and told that i'm doing a great job and making a difference. yeah, those things would be great every once in a while but i'm not doing this for that. and i'm glad that my boy decided to answer my now embarrassing letter to him by making me feel small yet significant at the same time. "caitlin, don't get upset. do you think i've forgotten about you? are you an idiot?" yes, sometimes.

so this is for all of you out there that feel a little down and out. you are not forgotten. not by him.

speaking of him...i know i'm kinda into gushing about him in my posts but i meant to tell you guys earlier about how me and JC had a little date today. i went to mass at 11:30 at st. joseph's cathedral downtown and then went to a coffee/pastry shop after to get some sweets, more specifically petit fours, and read. it was really nice and i got all dressed up and just spent the morning with him. sometimes i don't like walking around town by myself so i imagine him walking right beside me...i know it's entirely cheesy but it's kind of cool and reflective at the same time.

i just want to say that i'm so grateful for days like today, for catching up with some of my best friends and them reassuring me of what i'm doing, for petit fours, for embarrassing moments such as walking 3 blocks before you realize that your dress is tucked into your leggings in the back, for music to make me smile (or at least tap my toes), for rain to help me fall asleep, and even for heartache. i know it's hard now, but i also know that i'm going to grow and learn because of all of this.

i want to leave you with this beautiful excerpt from the alchemist.i think it's some of the most beautiful things to say about real, selfless love:

"...you taught me something of the universal language of the soul of the world. because of that, i have become a part of you. i have been waiting for you here at this oasis for a long time...ever since i was a child, i have dreamed that the desert would bring me a wonderful present. now, my present has arrived, and it's you. you have told me about your dreams, about the king, and your treasure. and you've told me about omens. so now, i fear nothing, because it was those omens that brought you to me. and i am a part of your dream, a part of your personal legend, as you call it. that's why i want you to continue toward your goal. if you have to wait until the war is over, then wait. but if youhave to go before then, go on in pursuit of your dream. the dunes are changed by the wind, but the desert never changes. that's the way it will be with our love for each other...if i am really part of your dream, you'll come back one day."