today...small things with great love (or don't open the door)

that's a quote from the irresistible revolution that i remembered today and decided to make myself something to hang on my door that has that written as a daily reminder of why i'm here and what i'm supposed to be doing...because if i'm being honest with myself and you guys, it's already easy to forget in the midst of all the emotional breakdowns and frustration.

today i had the most low key day i've had thus far since being in the big SJ...i woke up at 6:15 like always and did the morning routine of making coffee and making sure the women are up and movin...then everyone left at 8 except for one of the guests that's currently living with us...she had to stay behind and call a drug rehabilitation center in order to make an appointment for outpatient treatment (it's part of her goals that she has to achieve in order to stay in the house)...so it was my job to sit with her in the dining room and call from the house phone while she tried getting through on her cell...and i mean i guess this is a good thing, but this drug center must be helping literally every drug addict in the bay area because holy moses we were on hold for 45 minutes...which was a tad frustrating to begin with and then she looks at me and says, "i don't even know why i have to do this. it's kind of dumb if you ask me." well first of all i didn't ask you if you thought it was dumb...you're the one addicted to meth so i think you might be a little biased about the situation.and second of all, how do you expect yourself to make any progress in your life if you're not treating the source of your problems...which happens to coincidentally be your meth addiction. of course i didn't say that...i, being an avoider of confrontation (especially with a homeless meth addict i've known for 2 days), just simply said, "yeah well it's going to really benefit you in the long run so i think it's best that we just stay on the line until we get you an appointment." and we did. and she's going next week which is awesome...and i was so happy for her, even though she didn't really care either way. so after that whole ordeal and after she left and after i cried in the kitchen out of frustration, i went upstairs and took a much needed power nap...only 45 minutes...that's all i needed. then i got up, got dressed to go downtown all decked out in my oversized grandma scarf and rolled up jean overalls, went downstairs, and realized i didn't feel like going downtown today. i felt like staying home all day in my sweats and laying in bed and watching a movie...so that's exactly what i did. i watched love story on netflix because i had never seen it and it's supposed to be a classic and it there was a recent oprah episode about it, yadda, yadda, yadda. it was actually funny and good and of course i cried...i balled. but i'm just going to blame that on my fragile emotional state at present. after the movie i made that sign for my door and instantly thought of five more crafts that i'm going to do in my room...one of them still being painting a tree on my wall...i don't know why i just want to. but anyway, to make a long story even longer, i had a very relaxing day and it was much needed

some things i need to tell you all:

-eating an apple with crunchy peanut butter tastes JUST like a caramel apple...seriously, try it
-tonight there was a police helicopter circling above our neighborhood, which loosely translates into they were on the lookout for a convicted felon who was on the run...so that's good!
-the women in the house officially think i'm the BIGGEST nerd on the face of the planet...somehow they just can't wrap their head around a 20 year old that likes to knit and watch a baby story and is volunteering at a catholic worker...weird.
-the little two year old girl that's living here is just precious...she's such a little shit and i love it. we laugh so much together and she follows me around the entire house all night, which makes me feel special...and she's hilarious...she copies everything i say and now as a direct result of doing so, she will not stop saying "ooohhh giiirrrrlll"

on a more serious note, i just can't even say enough how much this experience is already testing and shaping me as a person and more importantly as a follower of christ...like guys, this is really hard.and i don't want you all to think that i don't like it because i do...i really do and that's why it's so hard already is because i'm already so invested in it. but i was reading my daily chapter in the bible today and it was exactly what i needed and i love when that happens...hey god! it's 1 Peter 5:7 and it's really simple; "cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you." after i read that i kind of just shrunk in my seat and was like, "alright, i guess you're right...like always." it was just such an incredibly humble moment for me and i realized that these things i'm sad and pissed and frustrated and upset about, while they're all very natural, they don't need to take up my time because he's already got my back...i can give all of that to him and he won't even mind...in fact, he'll be overjoyed that i did...which blows my mind and i'm not even going to get into that right now but it's crazy...and beautiful...it's crazy beautiful. shout out to a mediocre kirsten dunst movie! but yeah i'm just really grateful and at peace and joyous about being here and i'm trying to balance that with the frustration and heartache that goes along with this work...but sometimes i just need to remember that i don't have to. i can just offer it up and not worry about it.

i also am really reflecting on the whole "domestic" aspect of this all and i just am so excited to one day take care of my own house and my own 2 year old and cook for my own family (tonight i made stir fry over rice and an asian salad...god i'm so lame). i just really do love it which, i don't know if you all find that surprising, but i do because i've been very anti-housewife lifestyle the past couple years...so that's interesting that i'm loving every minute of it. but alas, i must sleep. so i can get up at 6:15 and not hate the first 30 minutes of life tomorrow.