kick drum heart

that's what i feel like i have...not to be confused with the avett brothers song but that's actually what made me come to this conclusion.just like the song says "my, my heart like a kick drum."  what i mean by this stretch of an analogy is that i just feel like i'm already putting "too much" into this and that scares me. i've always known that i'm the kind of person that loves getting to know and connect with people but now that there's so many rules and boundaries about how well i can let people in (the women who are guests in the house), my heart is already breaking. i can already tell that i've gotten too comfortable with this woman who actually just moved in today. she's only 22 and so we're really close in age and get along really well...she's hilarious and was so surprised to hear i was from missouri because i "actually have teeth"...thank you meth, for giving missouri the rep of being home to a bunch of toothless dirt-legged hoosiers...which by the way, people out here definitely have no idea what you mean when you say hoosier...and maybe some of you reading don't know either so i'll clarify that it means hick or redneck.  but back to my party foul of the day if you will, getting too close to a guest.  apparently i'm not supposed to share about my life and experiences with the people i'm serving and i understand following guidelines for safety but this just seems a tad ridiculous to me. i WANT to share things with these women...isn't that the point in a way? live in community...community is sharing. i'm just really frustrated by it but more so i'm frustrated with myself that i can't be okay with that. that i can't just follow the rules and not be sitting here on my bed about to burst into tears. why can't i just take this position the way that it is and not have difficulty following the idea of keeping a distance and professional relationship with these women?  i guess because i don't feel like this is a profession for me. i feel like i'm trying to find god in all things i'm doing here and i don't know a god with boundaries. and i think it's easier for sharon, even though she admits to it being a challenge at some points, because she has been a social worker for a long time and following this kind of technique is the most effective in the social work profession. i've been interested in social work but i just don't know how i would ever be able to do that...to stay within those professional boundaries. gahhh! i'm just so frustrated...and i apologize that you're not getting much of the humor tonight but i'm just not feeling the comedic aspect of this right now. i just feel like i give to much sometimes and because of that expect some in return. and that's pretty much in complete violation of the golden rule of social work...don't get attached because then you're going to expect them to get better and make something of themselves and they're going to break you heart.  i know it's going to happen...it already is. and it's making this a lot more emotional for me which is exhausting. whomp whomp am i right?

in other newz, today was a b-e-a-utiful day and i roamed the streets of downtown san jose and loved every minute of it...even the blisters on the BOTTOM of my feet. tomorrow i'm going to run downtown and find this bike store so i won't get blisters anymore! i really do love this city and being here it's just the emotional aspect that's hard. still haven't cried yet though which is really starting to freak me out...i always get so close but then i don't know.

i love anyone and everyone who's reading this by the way...in case you didn't know. i'm going to leave you with this song for those of you who aren't familiar and also for those who share the same love for my favorite boys...just a tip, the links i post on here look invisible until you scroll over them with the mouse so just find it by dragging the mouse down...
here...kick drum heart