funky. that's the only way i can describe how i feel right now. maybe it's because it's midnight and i've laid around all day due to exhaustion/ this weird heartburn i've been having. but if i'm going to be honest i think a lot of it has to do with this change of environment for me. don't get me wrong, i LOVE being home. but it's just different. getting used to not constantly feeling this push by the Lord. i have to work for that push and sometimes i just don't want to. sometimes i want to say to him, "why should i challenge myself for you if you're not doing the things that i ask of you...if you're not giving me answers. if you're not revealing yourself to me. why should i be so excited to talk to you everynight or throughout the day when i don't feel you anymore." i realize i sound like a little brat but that's just how i feel. sometimes i just don't want to talk to him. sometimes i'm fed up. of course i don't show that and i certainly don't tell people that because a part of me wants people to think that i'm always lovin' the big man and livin the life! but of course, it's not always like that. people never listen well enough to what He's trying to say to them and most of the time that's because it's not what we as people want to hear. but i hate this feeling of being apathetic about my faith. an old friend and i used to always tlak about how apathy is the worst kind of evil when it comes to your faith and i still find that to be true, at least for myself.
"Help me to move with a vision
And love without condition
When I can't do a thing
Remove my apathy"
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