and it's one life and it's this life and it's beautiful

i'm so glad, and dare i say proud of myself, that i've gotten past the point of really caring about what people think i'm doing or what they think my intentions are or what my reasoning is.  i love knowing what i'm doing is right to me and that i've talked it over with my God and i've settled everything within myself.  therefore, people's opinions start to matter less and less to me. because you know what? i'm twenty years old and i know that i have a lot of life yet to live, but i think i've lived my life pretty good so far.  haven't really screwed anything up in a major life ruining sort of way so can i have a little credit? can i be trusted for my own judgment for my own life? since i've been out here, my thoughtful father has been sending me text messages of inspirational quotes on a regular basis.  one that he sent me a couple days ago, although i had heard it before, really struck me.  "those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."  i'm extremely grateful to have so many people in my life who support whatever it is that i do.  and it's these same people that have allowed this confidence in my self and my decision making blossom inside of me.

 the other day i went to my favorite french bakery in downtown san jose (okay you caught me...the only french bakery i'm even aware of in downtown san jose but it's still delicious) and i ordered a panini. i also got some petit fours and chocolates that were obviously ready before the panini so naturally i ate those first. once i got the panini i was already satisfied but i decided to man up and just eat it.  i ate the first half and the side pickle and just couldn't do it anymore. so i got a doggy bag and went on my merry way with half of my panini under my arm.  i knew that i would most likely run into someone that could put my leftovers to better use than i could so i decided to give it to the first homeless person i saw.  i walked past st. josephs cathedral where i've been regularly attending mass and i saw sitting on the steps, a man i had sat in the same pew with a few days earlier.  i knew when i sat by him that he was most likely homeless (st. joe's has a huge homeless population so i'm not entirely basing my assumption on stereotypes) and he also seemed to have a mental illness of some sort i.e. he was talking to himself the entire mass (not distracting at all).  so i saw this guy and i was like, "perfect! i can give this guy my sandwich and he'll be so happy and i'll be his hero for the day and i'll feel so meaningful!" right? wrong. i offered this guy my sandwich and he refused. of course i simply figured it was because he just wanted money (to buy booze because of course, that's the only thing homeless people use money for right? also wrong.) but anyway, i started to walk away and you know what this bastard said to me? "ya wanna know why?" and i said "sure why not" and he goes, "because i can see through your deceit and lies." i kind of chuckled, wished him a beautiful day, and walked away thinking to myself "welp, i did all i could. i feel sooo sorry for this man. he's so mentally ill that he can't even see when someone's trying to help him." i gave the sandwich to the next guy i saw, pushing a shopping cart full of trash and personal belongings...but for some reason, i didn't feel right. and the things that guy said kept popping back into my head. "i can see through your deceit and lies." now, he could just be saying that because i called the sandwich a panini and he might not know that that means sandwich, but on the other hand, maybe this crazy homeless guy has a point. why was i giving that guy a sandwich? what were my exact intentions? did i do it, even if it was only a little bit, for the satisfaction of knowing that i helped someone? was i doing good just to say i was doing good? it's such a fine line we try to balance. am i doing this completely and totally for someone else? something greater than me? am i doing this for dare i say, God? or am i doing this, even if it's only a little bit, for me? of course we're human. and as humans, we do things for ourselves.  which isn't bad by the way...God wants us to delight in what He has given us.  but He by no means wants us to seek Him out in the faces of the poor and destitute merely for our own satifaction or because it makes us feel good.of course, sometimes feeling good is a beautiful symptom of this disease we call empathy or service or communion. but it's not the motivation. i just hope and pray that i can always remain aware of that thin line i try to balance daily because once we cross that line, we lose the aspect of empathy/service/communion that makes it so entirely beautiful and pure; humility.

"this is what god asks of you,
only this,
to act justly,
to love tenderly, and
to walk humbly
with your God."
micah 6:8

that's it. and you know what, in the words of the sweedish folk sister dou called first aid kit, "it's one life, and it's this life and it's beautiful." so we might as well live it to the fullest. and to me, that means living every day for the only one i know to be infinite.