black and white

sometimes i think it's really that simple...love that is. a lot of people would argue this statement and i think at times even i would, but there are certain aspects of love and relationships that are just as easy as yes or no, black and white.  i mean, you either care about someone or you don't.  you either feel a certain way about someone or you don't.  those are the simple parts. what's hard is that we complicate things...by hurting each other, by failing to be honest and compassionate. we complicate it with our impatience and our insecurities.  i've spent most of all of my time since i've been home loving, or more accurately, trying to love everyone around me.  and i've come to a conclusion: we make it very hard for ourselves to love, even to love those we care about the most and especially those we don't particularly care for.  so this is my new years resolution: to try to love at all times. and even when i know i'm failing at that, to keep trying. because it's not about how good you are at loving those around you, it's about trying.  because as long as you're trying, you care. effort and persistence is love. 

happy new year everyone, may i continue to try and may you hopefully feel my efforts and translate that into love.

nothing fancy

today was a beautifully simple day.

i went walking with my mom in the morning. we walked to mass and we could see our breaths as we hurried along the sidewalk to make it to the church in time. we laughed as we walked to starbucks and she ordered her usual venti misto and got me a breakfast sandwich and whole milk. i smiled and made faces to a little boy across the room. then we walked home and showered. christmas shopping all day which was weirdly relaxing and leisurely. then tonight i went to adoration up at incarnate word and it was serene and beautiful. my youth minister spoke at adoration and he told us that we are the true gift of christmas. that we should give of ourselves because that's the greatest gift of all.  when he said that is wasn't a feeling a realization for me. it was something i already knew; already felt.  it was a nice feeling...like being reintroduced to a long lost friend. i love that god draws me close through these small ideas and comments. tiny triggers that bring me back to where i need to be. little gifts he gives me.simple, everyday gifts. i love simple. and i love falling in love with coldplay all over again. and i love christmas lights. that's why i love this song and that's why i want to share it with you.

link: http://www.coldplay.com/

funky town

funky. that's the only way i can describe how i feel right now. maybe it's because it's midnight and i've laid around all day due to exhaustion/ this weird heartburn i've been having. but if i'm going to be honest i think a lot of it has to do with this change of environment for me. don't get me wrong, i LOVE being home. but it's just different. getting used to not constantly feeling this push by the Lord.  i have to work for that push and sometimes i just don't want to. sometimes i want to say to him, "why should i challenge myself for you if you're not doing the things that i ask of you...if you're not giving me answers. if you're not revealing yourself to me. why should i be so excited to talk to you everynight or throughout the day when i don't feel you anymore." i realize i sound like a little brat but that's just how i feel. sometimes i just don't want to talk to him. sometimes i'm fed up. of course i don't show that and i certainly don't tell people that because a part of me wants people to think that i'm always lovin' the big man and livin the life! but of course, it's not always like that. people never listen well enough to what He's trying to say to them and most of the time that's because it's not what we as people want to hear. but i hate this feeling of being apathetic about my faith. an old friend and i used to always tlak about how apathy is the worst kind of evil when it comes to your faith and i still find that to be true, at least for myself.

"Help me to move with a vision

And love without condition
When I can't do a thing
Remove my apathy"

and it's one life and it's this life and it's beautiful

i'm so glad, and dare i say proud of myself, that i've gotten past the point of really caring about what people think i'm doing or what they think my intentions are or what my reasoning is.  i love knowing what i'm doing is right to me and that i've talked it over with my God and i've settled everything within myself.  therefore, people's opinions start to matter less and less to me. because you know what? i'm twenty years old and i know that i have a lot of life yet to live, but i think i've lived my life pretty good so far.  haven't really screwed anything up in a major life ruining sort of way so can i have a little credit? can i be trusted for my own judgment for my own life? since i've been out here, my thoughtful father has been sending me text messages of inspirational quotes on a regular basis.  one that he sent me a couple days ago, although i had heard it before, really struck me.  "those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."  i'm extremely grateful to have so many people in my life who support whatever it is that i do.  and it's these same people that have allowed this confidence in my self and my decision making blossom inside of me.

 the other day i went to my favorite french bakery in downtown san jose (okay you caught me...the only french bakery i'm even aware of in downtown san jose but it's still delicious) and i ordered a panini. i also got some petit fours and chocolates that were obviously ready before the panini so naturally i ate those first. once i got the panini i was already satisfied but i decided to man up and just eat it.  i ate the first half and the side pickle and just couldn't do it anymore. so i got a doggy bag and went on my merry way with half of my panini under my arm.  i knew that i would most likely run into someone that could put my leftovers to better use than i could so i decided to give it to the first homeless person i saw.  i walked past st. josephs cathedral where i've been regularly attending mass and i saw sitting on the steps, a man i had sat in the same pew with a few days earlier.  i knew when i sat by him that he was most likely homeless (st. joe's has a huge homeless population so i'm not entirely basing my assumption on stereotypes) and he also seemed to have a mental illness of some sort i.e. he was talking to himself the entire mass (not distracting at all).  so i saw this guy and i was like, "perfect! i can give this guy my sandwich and he'll be so happy and i'll be his hero for the day and i'll feel so meaningful!" right? wrong. i offered this guy my sandwich and he refused. of course i simply figured it was because he just wanted money (to buy booze because of course, that's the only thing homeless people use money for right? also wrong.) but anyway, i started to walk away and you know what this bastard said to me? "ya wanna know why?" and i said "sure why not" and he goes, "because i can see through your deceit and lies." i kind of chuckled, wished him a beautiful day, and walked away thinking to myself "welp, i did all i could. i feel sooo sorry for this man. he's so mentally ill that he can't even see when someone's trying to help him." i gave the sandwich to the next guy i saw, pushing a shopping cart full of trash and personal belongings...but for some reason, i didn't feel right. and the things that guy said kept popping back into my head. "i can see through your deceit and lies." now, he could just be saying that because i called the sandwich a panini and he might not know that that means sandwich, but on the other hand, maybe this crazy homeless guy has a point. why was i giving that guy a sandwich? what were my exact intentions? did i do it, even if it was only a little bit, for the satisfaction of knowing that i helped someone? was i doing good just to say i was doing good? it's such a fine line we try to balance. am i doing this completely and totally for someone else? something greater than me? am i doing this for dare i say, God? or am i doing this, even if it's only a little bit, for me? of course we're human. and as humans, we do things for ourselves.  which isn't bad by the way...God wants us to delight in what He has given us.  but He by no means wants us to seek Him out in the faces of the poor and destitute merely for our own satifaction or because it makes us feel good.of course, sometimes feeling good is a beautiful symptom of this disease we call empathy or service or communion. but it's not the motivation. i just hope and pray that i can always remain aware of that thin line i try to balance daily because once we cross that line, we lose the aspect of empathy/service/communion that makes it so entirely beautiful and pure; humility.

"this is what god asks of you,
only this,
to act justly,
to love tenderly, and
to walk humbly
with your God."
micah 6:8

that's it. and you know what, in the words of the sweedish folk sister dou called first aid kit, "it's one life, and it's this life and it's beautiful." so we might as well live it to the fullest. and to me, that means living every day for the only one i know to be infinite.

head full of doubt road full of promise

i don't get why i can't just trust. trust myself enough to know that i'm making the right decision. trust God enough that He's leading me in the right direction. trust myself enough to think that i'm headed in the right direction. trust God enough to know that there even is a right direction. see i could go on like this forever. i know that it's all going to work out. i know that i'm doing at least what i feel is right. but then why is it hard? why do i have any doubts whatsoever? why is a part of me sad that i'm leaving in  days when most of me is dying to get on that plane? it's very frustrating being this indecisive and fickle about my feelings. i'm really trying to stop that; you know, trying to stick to one feeling at a time. i'm finding that it's a very difficult art to master.  i just wish i could be so set in how i'm feeling at one particular moment that nothing could shake me. i wish sometimes that i could easily detach myself from situations. but i can't. it's just the kind of person i am. my heart and soul get so intertwined with whatever situation i'm in at any given moment. which i guess could be looked at as a blessing just as easily as the curse i sometimes see it as.  i know i shouldn't complain about being involved and passionate, but it does make things like leaving a lot harder. but it also makes the future more exciting. knowing that whatever i end up doing, i'm going to love it so much. and i won't mind being intertwined in it because it will bring me joy and peace.  that's all i'm really looking for. and that's why i'm so excited to get back home. joy and peace and the rest will follow.

it goes on

so i've been thinking about me coming home and how some may see this as my adventure being over. in some ways it is. i mean, i won't be "livin' it up in cali!" anymore. but i'm going to keep blogging. this has become so much more than me simply bragging to all of you about how great the west coast is. it has become so much more and i know i've discussed this in previous blog posts but it's true. i'm really finding my voice as a writer, something i never even thought of before all of this, and i also just love knowing that the people i love know things about me that i wouldn't normally talk about (or at least talk about in a somewhat eloquent way)...so i've decided, the blogging will continue. now, i don't blame you if you become uninterested (disinterested?) since i won't be globetrotting all the time like i thought i would be. but hopefully i'll still collect a little bit of insight, or at least humorous anecdotes each day.  and yes, i am blogging about blogging...just in case anyone was unsure. so as long as you guys want to hear what i have to say (and probably even after that) i will keep on keepin' on.

it's truly amazing to me how much more confident i am becoming. i've always thought of myself as a pretty confident person, or at least someone who's generally comfortable with themselves. but i'm really starting to establish my core values and beliefs and i see myself implementing them into my everyday life instead of just talking about them.  being in a city knowing virtually no one has given my the space and ability to just be completely myself at all times and i can't wait to bring this new and improved me home. i was thinking about this today as i walked around in my joveralls yet again.  i noticed more than i did previously people's looks when i passed by or when they drove by in their cars or bikes.  it was amazing to me how many jaws actually dropped at the sight of seeing a 20 something wearing overalls just for the heck of it. i can't believe that our society has come to a point where it's more shocking to the general public to wear full length denim overalls than to wear underwear for shorts. these are things that just don't make sense to me and never will.

today i went to michael's and got knitting needles and a fatty ball of pink yarn for the 10 year old living in the house. her name's briana and she's really shy but adorable and kind of dorky which i love. she's been staring at me knitting for days so i thought it was time to teach the kid.  when i brought it downstairs and gave it to her, her face was priceless. the best feeling i've had in a while. she was sooo exicted. and about knitting of all things. so we sat there, on the heinously apholstered couch, and i taught her how to knit. she got it right away and is probably already better than i am. that small moment made me really excited to be a mother, aunt, grandmother, etc. i can't wait to pass things on to those younger than me. it's such a fulfilling feeling. it's weird but beautiful to think about even after we pass those things on, and even after we pass from this life into the eternal, things go on. life goes on. it goes on. and on.

i just started reading the book by chris cleave entitled little bee. it's so good already and i'm only on page 13. it's one of my mom's favorite books so of course i have to at least see what it's like. i just wanted to share a small part from the book. it's one of the most beautiful sentences i have ever heard. it really made me think about people's struggles or "crosses to bear" as some would say, and how these are really things in which we should find beauty or joy, not sadness:

"in a few breaths' time i will speak some sad words to you. but you must hear them the same way we have agreed to see scars now.  sad words are just another beauty. a sad story means, this storyteller is alive. the next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile."

i think we too often get caught up in others' and our own sorrow and tribulations.  we fail to see that while this is sad, it's also beautiful because it means we're living. it means we feel. that we are lucky enough to feel. and lucky enough to understand pain and heartache and struggle. we also often times, fail to remember that it will get better. there is hope. we have reason to hope. reason to believe that things will get better and we will be happy and smile.

humble pie

that's exactly what i had a large, but satisfying slice of tonight.  i've been feeling this overwhelming pressure of having to be honest with sharon and tell her that this isn't the right place or time for me at this point in my life and that i need/want with all that i am to be back home with my family, but i've been scared shitless to tell her. but i decided, today is the day. i can't put this off anymore (especially if i want there to be any chance of me getting rid of my now 72 hour migraine...hence the lack of blogging). so right when seh came through the door, there were no guests home yet and our visitor john was out on the town for the day, i knew it was the right time to speak up and be honest.  before i could open my mouth she said, "now be honest, how are you doing with everything?" and obviously i started to tear up...i didn't lose it though which i was happy about. i told her everything i had been feeling. how it just doesn't feel right to me. and about how much i really wanted this to be right for me. but how i can no longer fight what my heart is telling me...a completely cheesy but entirely true schpeal about why i can't stay here for another five months merely to prove to myself that i complete something. and she knew. she understood. she could tell that this is exactly how i was feeling and that i had been feeling this way most of the time. i guess i'm really not as inconspicuous as i think i am about how i feel. but anyways, she truly understood how i felt. which, i'm gonna be honest by saying, i thought she would have a completely different reaction. i mean, i was prepared to have to pack up and leave tonight if she was angry or whatever (my worst case scenarios are always the most ridiculous things i've ever heard of once whatever i'm thinking about already happens but before it happens, they always seem like plausible outcomes). so i told her. i did it. i was a big girl and she understood. she could tell my heart wasn't here in the san jose catholic worker and that it was at home in st. louis. which believe me, i've been struggling with for the past month and realistically a lot longer than that. is it selfish to want to be home surrounded by my family and friends that love me and respect me as opposed to being in a foreign city thousands of miles away? maybe. but the way i see it, when you're in line with your heart and your hearts desires and what makes your heart the biggest, then you're set. and all i know, is that at this point my heart is at home. with my family. the last place i thought it would be and honestly, the last place i wanted it to be. i wanted this to be so much more than a month of crazy compacted spiritual and emotional growth. i wanted this to be my life. so i came here to find that it's not. and that's OKAY. i'm okay with that. i'm actually more than okay with that. i know myself well enough to know that i'm not ever going to settle. i'm always going to try and do more. become more. but i can do that at home just the same. now i'm gonna whip out another motha t quote and say that "love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action." now i might be speaking too soon/digging myself into a bit of a hole by saying this but i know that being here, regardless for how long, i have gained so much appreciation and respect for my family and friends. i know that i'm now able to consciously put so much more love into the little things that i do for them than i did before. and to me, that alone has made this all worth it.

but what's made it entirely worth it for me has been the last few days. the relationships i've been building with these women who are so loving and strong and funny. they remind me of my mom, or at least who she would be best friends with at work on the mother baby floor. one's a nurse and one's a medical assistant.  honestly, i constantly forget that they're in the position they're in. which i think is the purpose and beautiful effect of living in community. but on nights like these, when they're being real with me and telling me like it is, i remember. i remember that i'm someone who chose to come here and these women didn't have a choice. this was there last option. either here or under a bridge. and that's what i get so frustrated about. is yeah sure i can cook dinner for them and laugh with them and encourage them but i can't get them out of this situation. i can't buy them an apartment or get them that job. god i wish i could. i would do anything to be able to do that for them. to give them that relief. because these women are my friends. tonight, when we were sitting around the dining room table drinking our hot tea and talking, i felt like i was with two of my aunts after a family get-together. just laughing, sharing stories and teasing each other. this is what i will miss. these women. that have taught me more than they will ever know.

so yeah, i'm going home. but that is not the end of my journey. it's really just starting i feel like. and i'm so excited to bring this community back home with me. and to see what it's going to grow into once it's home. i wanted to leave you all tonight with an e-mail from my overly dramatic but slightly adorable 10 year old sister (mom, do not show her or tell her that i'm posting this on here). she sent this to me yesterday and this completely seeled the deal of how in love with my family i am. just read.

"Dear Caitlin,


I don't really know how to post a comment but I guess it's in my blood from all the time Libby spends on Facebook. I wish so much that I was there with you. I would give anything to hug you right now. Every night I sit in my bed and wish that you were here, giving me good advice again. I miss your split personalities--how you laugh at me and make me want to punch you and sometimes how you let me be cool with you and Libby (even though I don't quite pull it off), but my favorite is when you and I both love and understand each other. I mean the real love. not the kind that we say after good night. the love that would wait a year for the one you love. the love that makes you want to scream and pull your hair out. i don't think we should toss that small but strong,four lettered word like a beachball. if only we knew what's in store for us if we loved someone. as i write this, i cry. sad tears, hopefull tears, fursterated tears. god, how much i wold give to hear your laugh. i hope that if i was the one in calofonia, that you would have the same emotion as me.
love, clare"

for where your treasure is...

there your heart will be also..i have read and reread this bible passage from matthew and this very same quote from the alchemist over and over for the past couple of days. the more i read, the more i realize how true this is. i came here in search of my treasure, and ever since i got here (which will be a month next week), i've known that my treasure isn't here. now you all may be gasping at the sight of that sentence...or you all might know me so well that you saw this coming. either way, i have fought within myself for weeks to push out this feeling of certainty that this is not right for me because i so badly want it to be. a part of me wanted to come here and never go back home (except for holidays). a part of me wanted to stay here and meet my future husband and raise a family, all in this house. and i think the part of me that wanted this, was also the part that didn't want to quit. i don't want to give up when i'm a month in. i don't want to tell all these beautiful people that have been cheering me on since day one that it's not really working out and that i don't feel right about it. but it isn't. and i don't know if that will change but i have a gut feeling, that it won't. i decided a few days ago to start speaking up...to do what i know in my heart is right despite the rules and regulations of the house. the fact that me questioning things and not agreeing with some guidelines of the house is causing problems is a sign that this may not be the right thing for me. and it is my fault that i didn't speak up the first 2 weeks of being here but i mean i was afraid. im a 20 year old who just flew out here without knowing what it was like really? how am i supposed to feel. and she's so much older and wiser and has more experience in life and social work. but social work isn't why the catholic worker was started. dorothy day had no experience as a social worker. and i can tell you right now, dorothy day would not be smiling about the way this house is run. i feel like we're babysitting these women. telling them what to do, when to do it. i can't live like this honestly. i apologize if at any point this gets too real and honest for you but this is how i feel.  i'm not saying for sure that i won't be staying. and if i leave like i feel i'm going to, it's not going to be tomorrow (although that would be nice)...we have a new community member coming in a week or so. i'll see how the dynamic is with him around. i'm going to continue to follow my heart and speak up. if others can't deal with that, then i think the answer of whether or not i should stay will unfold itself.  all i know is that i would rather leave early knowing that i did what i could and stood up for what i know is right, than stick it out for 6 months just to prove to myself that i'm not a quitter. i thought i was going to come here and be pushed so far to love people that my heart ached...instead, there are rules and regulations that keep my from fully loving and living in community with these women and i feel like that heartache is a much worse one to have. i expected to give all that i have, not to be confined to only giving a certain amount in order to maintain a certain level of comfort. did you know that the women here can't pass a curtain that leads to the kitchen and front of the house (where the community members sleep) after a certain time of night? why? well apparently for our own safety. basically, we're saying to them, "hey we're afraid of what you might do to the house/us because you've been on the streets and god knows what you've done or seen so we're going to put up this curtain to make that fear visible to you." oh, and the guests can't open the fridge. at all. ever. they have to get a community member to open it for them if they need anything. oh so because they're homeless, they're not allowed to have a midnight snack of a glass of milk? they also can't be at the house during the day on any day of the week. not even weekends. god it's like a prison honestly. i'm just so pissed and frustrated and upset. and i can see that these women understand what's going on. they see the locks on the doors they're not allowed to open. they see the curtain. they see the sign on the fridge. they know they are not our equals. they know they can't be trusted. fuck that. pardon my french but honestly it makes me sick. if we're going to have the courage and audacity to welcome strangers into our home, we have to have a certain amount of trust in humanity and we have to sacrifice a certain amount of security and comfort in order for it to work.  i've tried to have patience...i've tried to remain hopeful that these feelings of disagreement within my heart were just because i was out of my comfort zone. but i can't have patience for ignorance. and i can't pretend that i'm out of my comfort zone when i'm really not. what's so uncomfortable isn't that i'm living in community with people that have nothing. the thing that's so uncomfortable is that i feel like this house is set up to make sure these people know that we, the community members have maintained a certain level of comfortablility. if that makes any sense. i just don't get the feeling that this house is so much about creating community as it is about telling these people how much help they need and then making them do it on their own. and i'm not down with that.

welp, on that note, have a great day!

just breathe

i would first just like to make a shout out to my uncle johnny for being such a great person and making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world on thursday. he was in town on business this past week and i got to spend my enitre thursday morning with him. i felt so close to home while i was talking to him, eating a delicious breakfast with him, even when it was taking us 20 minutes to work payment out with the ethiopian taxi driver. his coworker, but more importantly dear friend, mike came with us to breakfast and i just feel so blessed to have met him and spent time with him.  they're both men of Christ and their insight was greatly needed and appreciated.

i've been feeling a lot of anxiety the last couple of days about what i'm doing. yeah sure, everyone tells me that i'm doing a great thing and that they're so proud of me (which i really appreciate so keep 'em coming because it makes a huge difference on my daily perspective), but i don't know if this is what He wants me to be doing quite frankly. i know i'm here for a reason but i don't know if that reason is to stay.  i'm not really happy with the whole dynamic and workings of the house and so it's giving room for a lot of doubt.  but the good news is that we're getting a new community member soon which will hopefully ease the tension of the house.

it's almost freaky how much the alchemist relates to things i'm going through and feeling and thinking. i mean, of course i'm no shepherd boy that's seeking his treasure at the pyramids in egypt, but other than that we're pretty much the same. i was reading outside the ridonkulously huge library downtown yesterday afternoon and after reading this excerpt i teared up.  it just really speaks to me and is a huge comfort and reminder. he's speaking to his heart (literally) and tells it that, "every second of your search is an encounter with God.  when i have been truly searching for my treasure, every day has been luminous, because i've known that every hour was a part of the dream that i would find it. when i have been truly searching for my treasure, i've discovered things along the way that i never would have seen had i not had the courage to try things that seemed impossible for a shepherd to achieve." i am truly, honestly searching for my treasure...and whether i find it here or not, i will always know that i had the courage...the courage to try something that seemed impossible for me...something i wanted to do but was so afraid to even mention it out loud. but i did. and i'm here. all i can do is follow, listen and talk to my heart. it will lead me to the right place.

so today, on this rainy day in san jose, i'm going to breathe...just breathe. i was reminded of this in the midst of all my worry by a dear friend. i am so blessed with all the things that i'm a part of, all the people i am meeting, but mostly, i am blessed with the amazing love that my family and friends have for me. there's no shot in hell that i would still be here right now if it weren't for the support and words of encouragement from people thousands of miles away from me. and while missing them and wishing i was home is natural, it's not going to make the next five months very easy. all i can do is breathe. and be thankful. and as DHT would say, listen to my(your) heart.

i will most likely write again tonight and it could very well contradict everything i'm feeling and saying right now depending on the frustrations today and how i handle them. thank you all for being so patient with me. for experiencing this up and down adventure with me.  this blog has become so much more personal than i even anticipated and is keep me extremely close to home. i just can't thank you all enough. one of my favorite quotes is "one loving soul sets another on fire." you all are the reason why i am able to love with all that i have and i hope that i can in some small way, do the same for you.

danny's song

...is my family's song. i don't really know how exactly or why exactly but we love it. and sing it. and i just listened to it when i was in already in a very fragile state of mind and now i'm crying. silently so no one else can here me. but crying. and i can't stop thinking about how much i love them and how much they mean to me. the six of us love each other so much. more than we are willing to admit. so tonight, in order to not only make myself feel better by writing about it but also to let these five people know how much i love and miss them, i would like to dedicate this one to the whyte_clan (our family's politically incorrect email address).

i miss my mom.

                                    

i want her to hug me while simultanerously scratching my back. i want her to wipe the tears off my cheeks with with her worn in hands and tell me i'm a big girl. i want her to tell me everything's going to be okay and that this is only making me stronger. i want her to kiss my forehead and tell me she's proud of me and that she loves me and that i'm doing the right thing. i want to come visit her at work and hear all her fellow nurses  gush about her to me. i am so proud of her. i miss her so much. more than i can even explain. i know your mom shouldn't be one of your best friends, but cheryl whyte is an exception.

and i miss my dad.

                                                 

i miss the way i can smell his 5 dollar cologne from walmart on him when he hugs me in the morning or when he gets home from work. i miss when he says peace to me at mass, gives me a kiss on the cheek while he's hugging me and whispers "i love you and i'm proud of you." i miss his inappropriate jokes. i miss him playing air guitar while listening to his ipod. i miss his ugly clothes that he's not even aware of how hideous they actually are...which subsequently makes them endearing instead of ugly. i miss his two minute recovery time from hurting my feelings to saying sorry and him hugging me even if i don't want to be hugged. what i would

give to have one of those hugs right now...

i miss my brother.

i miss his rude humor. i miss laughing at most of what he says...unless he calls me a bitch...then it's over. no more funny. i miss his laugh and the weird things he does to entertain himself more so than anyone else. i miss those rare but oh so special moments when he confides in me and tells me something he wouldn't tell anyone else, whether he wants to admit it or not. i miss his big hugs and how he'll hug me back every single time i hug him, without fail.

i miss my sister.

                                   

i miss her dance moves...that girl can bust it. i miss her laugh, like when she really laughs...and she sounds like she can't breathe. i miss sharing a room with her, staying up into the wee hours of the night, laughing about nothing. i miss seeing her walk through the front door in her uniform after school; a daily reminder of how proud i am of her and how much better of a student she is than me.i miss how i can smell her bodyspray as i'm walking up the stairs on a friday evening as she's getting ready. i miss watching her get ready before she goes out with her friends. it brings me back to sixteen and my mindset at that time...if only my biggest problem today was deciding who to ask to homecoming.

                                       

i miss my sister.

.

                                       

i miss her energy. i miss feeling slightly innebriated everytime i'm with her because she's just off the walls and so contagious. i miss her many different laughs (she has yet to develop a real one). i miss her two front teeth. i miss the fact that she kisses me and gives me five hugs before she goes to bed every night. i miss her humor, even though it's not a brand i usually go for. i miss how proud she gets of herself when she accomplishes something. i miss her stories abotu school and all the fifth grade drama...real serious stuff. i miss how she tries to impress me and libby simply because we're her "cool" big sisters.

i miss my family. i miss always having a partner in crime. whether it's laughing or eating or yelling or watching a movie or doing the dishes or crying or talking or swimming or walking or running or dancing or singing. i miss it. all of it. and it makes this very hard. a lot harder than it already is. but in a weird way, it keeps me going. because i know that if i keep doing this and stick to it, i will be with them sooner than i think and i will be able to love them better as a result of this experience. and even if i've had a rough day here and i'm feeling hopeless about what it is i'm doing here or what He's trying to show me, i will try to remember the words to danny's song:

"everything will bring a chain of love. and in the mornin' when i rise, you bring a tear of joy to my eyes and tell me everything's gonna be alright."

                                         

"just remember there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name."



anything but ordinary

"is it enough to love?

is it enough to breathe?
somebody rip my heart out
and leave me here to bleed
is it enough to die?
somebody save my life
i'd rather be anything but ordinary please
to walk within the lines
would make my life so borin'
i want to know that i have been
to the extreme"

now i'm going to be real honest,  a part of me wishes i could lie and say that these lyrics come from this really cool indie band that no one has heard about and i'm just about to open up a whole new world of music to you and you'll have me to thank for your musical taste. but let's be honest, it's avril lavigne's "anything but ordinary" off of her debut album, let go.  what few people know about me is that i went through a weird phase circa 6th - summer before my 8th grade year of being a mixture of a punk/wangsta. i watched BET on a regular basis and listened to the likes of blink182 and good charlotte.  avril was definitely the coolest chick i had ever seen.  she was such a hard ass. i wanted to be her, and quite honestly, i thought i could be.  just like i thought i could be this really cool hip missionary who travels not only across the country but across the globe, feeding starving children, building houses and orphanages, creating sustainable communities in the poorest of third world countries. thetn i came out here and have realized that what i want to be, isn't necessarily what He wants me to be. yeah of course, i would love to say i've lived in darfur for 2 years building up an entire school and water system.  or that i've aided and cared for an old man in india dying of leprosy right alongside the missionaries of charity. and really, maybe i will be able to say those things, or parts of those things. but what i'm trying to say is i've missed the mark. i've missed the mark in realizing that it's not what you do, but how and why you do it. i'm going to be honest right now and say that i came out here completely for myself. to find myself, to prove to myself, to figure out myself. but these are none of the reasons why i am staying.  right now, i know i can go home if i really wanted to. and a lot of times i do. but i don't. and i don't really know why but i know that it's for some reason bigger than myself. 

but yeah, i've failed to realize over the last couple of years, that just because i have dreams for myself that involve me "helping others" doesn't mean that that's what i should be doing. if i think long and hard and ask myself why did i want to be a missionary in other countries or even in other states, i would have to answer honestly and say because it would be a cool experience for me. it would bring god closer to me. it would make me feel like i was doing something good. you see the pattern? me. not them. and more importantly, not Him.

this experience is allowing me to recognize how incredibly hard the ordinary things can be. but also how important they are.  you always hear talk of how this world needs more people who are willing to make a difference. you see, before now, i never even considered "normal, everyday people" as part of this equation. and if i did, i thought these people needed to change in order to become people who were going to make a difference. change the world. well changing the world and making a difference is so much more than ending world hunger and finding a cure for AIDS...if that makes any sense. to quote mother t like i always seem to do, "love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action." love is more than doing the most radical thing you can think of. in fact, i'm starting to think that love is more so about the things you don't really want to do. but doing them for others. whatever that may be. it's not necessarily about being a radical doing the extraordinary and opposed to the ordinary as much as it's about being a radical doing ordinary things with an extraordinary amount of love. and that's why this experience has been so difficult for me so far. it's not what i'm doing that's so hard or radical. it's the fact that in order to do these things, i have to do them completely out of love. if i don't, they won't get done because i will have zero motivation to do any of these mundane, domestic tasks. and if i do do them, but not out of love, they will mean nothing to me or anyone else.

i guess what i'm trying to say is this is completely different than what i thought it was. this is not what i wanted or what i asked for. what i prayed about.  but i'm realizing that just because it's not the "glamorous life of a missionary college dropout" that i thought it would be, doesn't mean it's not the work of God and of love. because it is. completely. trust me, i don't think i would be here in this place where i know no one is He wasn't the one runnin the show here. there are already things i'm finding out about myself that would hinder me in doing missionary work in foreign places with great love. for example, my deep homesickness that i can't really seem to shake. of course i have my days. days where i'm so busy i don't even have time to think about my family and friends. but for the most part, my heart aches to be near them. to not only hear they love me but to feel it as well. i also am realizing more and more, that a wife and mother is what i want to be. and i believe what God wants me to be as well. i mean, the warning signs were endless: thinking my baby dolls were real, babysitting and loving every minute of it since i was 10, and sometimes even being "that girl" that looks at wedding pictures and baby names online. this yearning for the family and friends that got me to where i am and the desire to create a family of my own would not really be suitable for being a nomad, traveling country to country for years on end. tirelessly serving people i don't even know. i'm not saying i couldn't do it. i know, that through the Lord's strength, i probably could. but that doesn't mean i would do it well. i'm not really sure that my heart would be in it. like it is in other things like children and family.

so to all you out there that think like i have for so long...for those of you who think that the only thing you can do to follow God and be an example is to start a nonprofit organization and bring education to an entire country, please reconsider. not the actions, but the intentions. the reasons why. i'm not telling you that you can't do those amazing things, in fact, i'm sure you can. but just think about it. let your soul sit in the heart of the Lord and realize itself. sometimes you just have to let Him bring things to you instead of you bringing things to the world in order to find Him.  we must seek Him, but we must seek Him within ourselves. and sometimes, you find that you do something radical in order to truly know that it's the everyday ordinary things that make such an immense impact.  a dear friend said something on the phone tonight that has been stuck in my head ever since. "it's not the things that you do, those things disapear.they are forgotten. it's the spirit that is remembered and lives on." beautiful right? yeah, i have insightful friends.

small things. great love. tiny teensy eentsy things. big gigantic huge love.

words

words can't express how i feel tonight.  i have had so many emotions in the last 24 hours that i don't even know where to begin. what to process. how to think. what to reflect on.

all i can say is i love being proved wrong by those i love. i love when someone i respect and admire makes me look at things in a different way. to make me stop feeling sorry for myself and look at the bigger picture. that this is not for me. do it for Him. thank you for reminding me of that. thank you for listening but most importantly, thank you for challenging me. i hope i can in someway do the same for you.

since i have nothing to say really, i think it's a good time to let a picture say a thousand words. this is my life here so far in picture form. i hope you enjoy.

they might be giants

depending on your knowledge of obscure bands within the world of music, you may or may not get the reference i am making in the title of this post...and for those of you who are reading this with a now smug grin across your face because you do in fact "get the reference" i'm going to tell you now that the reference has nothing to do with the band and is actually referring to the fact that the giants (baseball franchise) have just won the 2010 world series. woop woop! you know, few things in california during my short time here thus far have wooed me.  for the most part, i've stayed true to my midwestern roots and in fact have a much deeper appreciation and love for the middle of america. but one thing that has the ability to win me over in a place quite like the comadery of an entire city (or bay area in this case) for the love of a winning sports team. watching the game and the celebration tonight just made me so happy for the human race...which i know sounds entirely too dramatic for a situation like this, but it just made me realize that people are beautiful and their excitement and passion for life is beautiful. i love seeing people loving where they are, what they are doing, and who they're with.  even if they are the giants and not my beloved cardinals. you didn't think i forgot about a little thing i'd like to call loyalty did you?  but this realizing beauty in a mass of people made me think of the famous quote from thomas merton when he came into the city after being in the monastery for so long. "it is a glorious destiny to be a member of the human race, though it is a race dedicated to many absurdities and one which makes many terrible mistakes: yet, with all that, God himself gloried in becoming a member of the human race." it really is glorious, isn't it?

i would just like to say, before we go any further, that i am currently averaging 15 reese's minatures a day.  the only thing that makes me feel better about it, besides the obvious me not really giving a rat's ass, is that word; minature.  it makes it seem so much more trivial to me.  yeah yeah i had 15, but they were minature.

patience. my biggest strug.  i mean seriously, every problem that can possibly think of that i have, stems from my lack of patience.  yeah sure, i'm pretty patient with other people. that's easy to me.  but being patient with my own life and what i feel needs to start happening/already be happening/already happened is the hardest thing for me.  today was one of those days that from the beginning, i felt this overwhelming sense of not ebing patient enough about my life and the things god is going to do in it. "what about what he's already doing caitlin? try and see what's right in front of you instead of straining to see what's so far ahead.  i mean for christ's sakes, what you think you see in your future could simply be a mirage, or something that's blocking your sight from what he actually wants for you." these were all things i was saying to myself throughout the course of the day.  then i stumbled upon this little number i hadn't read in way too long:

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God.


We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way

to something unknown,

something new.

Yet it is the law of all progress that is made

by passing through some stages of instability

and that may take a very long time.





And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.

Let them shape themselves without undue haste.

Do not try to force them on

as though you could be today what time

-- that is to say, grace --

and circumstances

acting on your own good will

will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new Spirit

gradually forming in you will be.





Give our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God,

our loving vine-dresser.



Amen. "

"and that may take a very long time? are you serious right now? how long exactly is "a very long time" i don't have time for this. things need to start happening or i don't know if i can do this anymore." all things i was saying to myself during and after reading this bad boy by my man  pierre teilhard de chardin. then it hit me. i thought, shut up caitlin. just do it. you know, small things with great love? and then maybe, just maybe, this beautiful plan will unfold before your eyes without you even noticing it for a "very long time". 

you see, it's not what god is going to do in your life that takes so long, it's us recognizing that it's all happening right in front of us that can take a lifetime.

besos y abrazos

that's what i got a lot of tonight when one of our guest's kids came over for a sleepover with their mommy tonight. she's actually our only guest currently (besides a long term guest who's moving into her own apartment tomorrow) so it was a neat experience to have her babies come over.  there's four of them, and they're all under the age of five.  needless to say, she has her hands more than full.  but they're so cute. she has a five year old daughter, a four year old boy, and twin two year old boys.  she's mexican-american and the baby daddy is nicaraguan so they're beautiful children.  dark skin and huge brown eyes. i loved every minute of being with them tonight. it was so good to finally have a crazy house full of kids.  i just know that i'm going to have one of my own someday and love it so much so it filled me with joy tongiht to spend that time with them.  i made macaroni and cheese and hotdogs and they just thought i was the coolest "lady" ever.  they kept calling me lady all night. "hey lady, come play with me!" "hey lady, can i hug you?" of course you can you precious little munchkin.  they had no idea how much i wanted/needed a hug and they didn't seem to mind me squeezing them for minutes at a time.  although their family is from all over south amerca, they really didn't know any spanish.  and their mom had told me that she wanted them to learn so i started teaching them little words here and there throughout the night and their clear favorites were "beso" and "abrazo...kiss and hug. so everytime they would hug me they would say "abrazo! abrazo!" i was livin the life...smiling ear to ear. it was the greatest blessing because i've been feeling really homesick the last couple of days, hence me not really feeling like blogging. which by the way, i was going to start this post with an apology but then i realized, while i love posting so that all those i love can know what i'm doing/how i'm doing/where i'm going, i'm not really doing this for you all anymore.  that's definitely the initial reason why i started this blog, but it's become something much more to me. it's now something that allows me to reflect on my day...and to be honest, the past few days, i haven't really wanted to reflect much. a.) because i'm exhausted. in every sense of the word. b.) because i knew that if i started blogging, i would just whine incessantly about how much i miss all of you and that would just be annoying...theraputic, but annoying. but that's why tonight was such a beautiful night for me.  a simple night and definitely not anything exciting but beautiful.  i don't know how i feel about my saturday nights now consisting of hotdogs and floor puzzles with toddlers, but i definitely enjoyed myself. 

but kind of going back to me being homesick, i'm actually grateful i am (even though i don't feel grateful when i'm crying into my pillow about how much i miss those i love) because some people really never feel this way...the aching pain in the general chest region you get from missing someone so incredibly much.  the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" has never been more true in my short life than it is now.  one of my favorite people pointed out the fact that i am "2,000 miles away" from home (2,090 to be exact, but hey, who's counting?)  and my eyes immediately started welling up with tears because i hadn't thought about how far i'm actually away from the ones i love the most.  i really have started to appreciate those i love so much more than i did before i came out here and i hope that it's noticed but if it's not, i'm going to keep doing it.  because loving makes me feel alive.  when i'm actively loving people, missing people, i feel real.  i feel authentic and i feel most myself.  so i just want to encourage you, whoever you are, to make sure that you tell those you love that you love them. that you show them, in anyway you can, that you care and that you're thinking of them. i just think it's so idiotic when people don't do this as much as they possibly can...that people see gushing love to those you care about as something that's overbearing or annoying.  i find it really disturbing that affection and affirmation is not at the forefront of a great deal of relationships these days.  what's so wrong about being vulnerable or with putting your guard down? why do we not want to let people in? because we're afraid of getting hurt? bullshit. i mean seriously, newsflash people, love is entirely about risking heartache in an attempt to heal the hearts of others.  and you know what happens when we don't allow this vulnerablilty into our lives an relationships? people become lonely. and as mother t once said, "loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." i have no doubt that this chick was right on the money when she said this. and you know why? because these women that i'm "serving" and "helping", it's not the hunger or the material poverty that is the most painful for them.  it's the neglect, the abuse, the alienation from others in their lives.  they don't sit on the couch at night crying to me about how they don't have a car or a home, they're crying about their various heartbreaks...the loneliness they feel everyday.  so seriously, take my word for it (or the beatles), all you need is love.

besos y abrazos,
caitlin

falling for you

but only if you're phil dunphy. you know, phil dunphy. the goofy dad/ husband on modern family...which by the way if you haven't seen it you must. it's hilarious. and phil dunphy, my friends, brings a lot to the table. this is the kind of man that i want to end up with. funny. cute. akward. phil dunphy. i've done a lot of research and after watching several episodes in the last 48 hours, i'm convince that he is the man of my dreams. i've never had a legit celebrity crush until now. does he even count? i'm not even sure he's at "celebrity crush" status to the general public. but to me, he is. it's almost to the point where i'm considering making a video montage of him to colbie calliat's most recent hit. that's how bad it is. but i mean, he's got it all. not quite in agreement? here, let me just show you.

just look at how he handles awkward dad situations such as meeting a daughter's boyfriend.
phil dunphy yo

and i love his consideration and understanding of women and confidence in his athletic abilities.
game on

i also love his business savvy knowledge.
realtor abc's

but most of all, i love his romantic side.
hawaii


sorry if this isn't what you expected/wanted tonight but he's all i can seem to think about...forget helping homeless women, i have more important matters to attend to (crushing on a middle aged dorky white man).

to make you feel my love

now i don't know for sure if bob dylan knew what he was doing to my specific soul when he wrote this beautiful song in 1997 but he must have. and i'm not 100% about adele being fully aware that her 2008 cover was going to be one of the most pleasing songs my ears have ever heard but i'm convinced she had some sort of idea. i've been listening to this song for the past 20 minutes on repeat while i've been setting up for breakfast and i've decided that this is going to be a regular thing for me. a meditation of sorts. i don't know why i have to have the idea that god loves me and knows what he's doing with my miniscule, drop-in-the-bucket life, beaten into my head every day but i do. it's just so weird to me the thought of needing reminders of this soul-saving love but he gives them to me on a daily basis regardless of the obvious factor. i mean come on, i have the most bomb-ass family in the world. my friends are ridiculously awesome and inspiring and loving. i'm healthy (generally speaking), i live comfortably (materially speaking), and i have all 10 fingers (missing even one would put a major wrench in my day).  the thing is, i've got it made. and yet i still find something wrong enough with how things are going to desire that constant affirmation that he's right beside me at all times.  and i get it. and i don't even realize that i get it. and i don't get that i don't realize that! i mean today alone, multiple people have contacted me in some way just so tell me that they love me. that they're praying for me. that they miss me. that they're giving me a cyber hug. and i'm upset because only one person has hugged me since i've been here? (which by the way, we're up to 3 after today) they're are people that go their entire lives without hugging 3 people. and i've been here for less than 2 weeks and i'm complaining. i mean come on. that just ain't right.

i've realized that one of the reasons i'm having a hard time with this is because i'm not loving people here that have known me my whole life, or have had earth -shattering conversations with me, or have simply laughed with me. these people don't know me and what i'm all about and what i think about and who i want to be and where i have been. they know me only as the dorky white girl who for some strange reason decided to drop out of school and come to california to live here, in this old victorian house in between the hood and japantown. they know me as the lanky chick that comes down the stairs every morning with thermal socks and a granny sweater with her copy of the alchemist and knitting needles. they know me as the weird lady that dances to herself humming (probably the whitest thing i can think of) as she cleans the dishes. they don't know me the way that those that love me know me. and to be honest, i don't know the person they are to those that love them either. and i think that's what makes it so hard. we are here, trying to love each other, peope that we don't know, people that are hard to love. but that's the most beautiful thing about it though. the fact that i don't even know these women really, but that i lay in bed at night thinking about them. consumed by their pain and their despair. and it blows my mind that in some sick twisted way, i can take their pain and somehow make it my own. like i'm the one that needs prayers answered. i dont. at all. and it's shameful even to think that i think like that sometimes. these people are in survival mode. i'm in "jesus make me love you as much as i possibly can" mode. somehow, survival mode seems a little more pertinent. i want to be able to somehow let these beautiful women know that there is someone out there in the universe that is saying, "i’d go hungry, i’d go black and blue i’d go crawling down the avenue there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do.to make you feel my love." that yeah, they might be homeless, and abused, and drug addicts, but there is someone with them at all of those points and loving them. simply loving them. aching for them, but loving them. even if they don't know it now. because this song in particular was something that helped me to know that. helped me to realize that even at my worst, he loves me. and so that's what's going to have to keep me going. trying to be this song to someone. trying to be that reminder that this isn't the end. they will see the light at the end of the tunnel. i don't know how the hell i'm going to do that but maybe it's as easy as loving.aching.but loving.

cry baby

that's what i think i am lately. a giant cry baby. if dorothy day were here i'm pretty sure she'd say something along the lines of "there's no crying in baseball!" although she's probably never seen a league of their own...i just always think of what a hardass she was whenever i get upset about something. all i'm sayin is i ain't no dorothy day. not even close. but i have decided that once this is all over and my time here is done, i'm goin out in style my friends.  that's right...in order to pay just homage to this tough as nailz broad who started this all and was an inspiration for me doing this (whatever it is that i'm doing...haven't quite figured it out yet) i need to do something real, well, hardcore. how's this for hardcore? a tattoo of her face on my left butt cheek.

ya know, i think she would have wanted it this way....and this is hilarious to me that i'm not only blogging about absurd things like this but the fact that i'm even blogging right now...i'm sure dorothy day would have something to say about that. maybe something like "get off your ass and do some work around this place." which is exactly what i'm going to do :)

rainfall and guster

so this is great. that formal complaint i just issued to the big guy, scratch it. here i'll just do it....formal complaint. sorry that was annoying, i just wanted to see what it looked like. first of all, let me just clarify that while i was frustrated when i wrote that last post, it was intended for some laughs. and a bit of a therapeutic process. i was really upset tonight because brooke, the guest with the daughter and the one i've connected the most with, didn't come home last night. didn't call or anything. major party foul here at the catholic worker. and really sad/scary because of the fact that it's not just her but an adorable 2 year old baby girl as well. so just as i was getting used to the idea that she wasn't coming back, door bell rings. it's her and the baby. greeaaattt. now we have to look her in the eyes and tell her we can't have her live here anymore because it's house policy. my heart was shattered. as i held the baby and tears welled up in my eyes, sharon explained that she couldn't stay here anymore but that she could sleep on the couch for tonight and that we could help her find another place to stay. it was so sad and i just didn't get why god led me to this situation. but regardless, i think that sneaky bastard was actually listening to me piss and moan. let me explain ( and please don't be offended that i just referred to god as a bastard...it is kinda funny though...isn't it?):

okay so i write this extremely self seeking, whiny letter and click the handy publish button on this here blogger. i go to the bathroom and take care of my business...now don't get any ideas. i simply brushed my teeth and washed my face. then i went downstairs because i wasn't sure if the coffee maker was actually turned on and i couldn't stop thinking about it...that's not pathetic or anything. anyway, i came back upstairs, got my jammies on, and dove into my covers to read a little before i drifted into a hopefully deep sleep. i believe i've mentioned this previously, but i'm currently reading the alchemist and i get really into it. so i just started reading and was enthralled by the book. when i began to nod off i realized i should stop and put the book down because let's face it, nothing's dorkier than waking up the next morning with a book in your hands and your reading glasses on your chest. but before i closed the book, i noticed a piece of paper along with a postcard i've been using as a bookmark. i knew what the postcard was, but i didn't remember this sheet of paper. i looked on it, and all it said was, "do not be discouraged. you are not forgotten." okay! i was immediately overwhelmed by this sense of humility which is weird that this is happening today because the gospel was about humility. it's just all weird. it's weird that this particular sheet of paper was in my book to begin with. it's weird that i just happened to notice it at that point. it's weird that stay with me jesus was playing in the background as i was reading it. it's weird that it was exactly what i needed. it's just plain weird. and a huge reminder as to why i'm really here, doing what i'm doing. it's not so i can be loved on and hugged and told that i'm doing a great job and making a difference. yeah, those things would be great every once in a while but i'm not doing this for that. and i'm glad that my boy decided to answer my now embarrassing letter to him by making me feel small yet significant at the same time. "caitlin, don't get upset. do you think i've forgotten about you? are you an idiot?" yes, sometimes.

so this is for all of you out there that feel a little down and out. you are not forgotten. not by him.

speaking of him...i know i'm kinda into gushing about him in my posts but i meant to tell you guys earlier about how me and JC had a little date today. i went to mass at 11:30 at st. joseph's cathedral downtown and then went to a coffee/pastry shop after to get some sweets, more specifically petit fours, and read. it was really nice and i got all dressed up and just spent the morning with him. sometimes i don't like walking around town by myself so i imagine him walking right beside me...i know it's entirely cheesy but it's kind of cool and reflective at the same time.

i just want to say that i'm so grateful for days like today, for catching up with some of my best friends and them reassuring me of what i'm doing, for petit fours, for embarrassing moments such as walking 3 blocks before you realize that your dress is tucked into your leggings in the back, for music to make me smile (or at least tap my toes), for rain to help me fall asleep, and even for heartache. i know it's hard now, but i also know that i'm going to grow and learn because of all of this.

i want to leave you with this beautiful excerpt from the alchemist.i think it's some of the most beautiful things to say about real, selfless love:

"...you taught me something of the universal language of the soul of the world. because of that, i have become a part of you. i have been waiting for you here at this oasis for a long time...ever since i was a child, i have dreamed that the desert would bring me a wonderful present. now, my present has arrived, and it's you. you have told me about your dreams, about the king, and your treasure. and you've told me about omens. so now, i fear nothing, because it was those omens that brought you to me. and i am a part of your dream, a part of your personal legend, as you call it. that's why i want you to continue toward your goal. if you have to wait until the war is over, then wait. but if youhave to go before then, go on in pursuit of your dream. the dunes are changed by the wind, but the desert never changes. that's the way it will be with our love for each other...if i am really part of your dream, you'll come back one day."

a formal complaint

                                                                                                                                      October 24, 2010

Dear God,
              Is it alright if I call you that? I just wasn't sure if that was formal enough or if a Yahweh or Hosanna was more appropriate. I am writing to you due to some confusion/ lack of communication between both of our patries lately. What exactly do you think you are doing? More specifically, what the hell are you doing with me?  Maybe there's some confusion but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be this hard. Or at least not yet.  The number of questions I have for you and the number of explanations I need from you is astronomical. But, in order to be as thorough as possible, I'm going to list as many as I can think of:
1.) Why are you thinking it's okay to have these women come into my life/house, win me over, and then leave without any warning, explanation, or apology? And they have to break my heart as well? No offense, but I think that last part is a little overkill.  I mean, couldn't you have created me with just slightly less emotions and/or feelings?
2.) Speaking of emotions and feelings, I'm REALLY sick of them right now so could you maybe just take them away somehow?  That would be great.
3.) I'm gonna need you to make me heartless.  We're not talking long term here, more just like a few days so I can recover from all this emotional turmoil. Would this be possible?
4.) Why are there people in this world that just don't care?  And I don't simply mean those who don't feel as though it's their duty to serve others, I'm talking mostly (right now) about the people that are being served.  Why don't they give a shit that I cry about them at night or that I wake up every morning at 6 a.m. in order to help get ready for breakfast in order to make their day easier? I'm aware that these are not their problems. I made a commitment to do this and I shouldn't whine. But shit, I mean could they at least WANT to get better not only for themselves but for those they love? Or in some way, appreciate this house for what it is; a safe place to get back on your feet? Just some thoughts.
5.) Could I just get one hug every once in a while? The only hug I've gotten since I've been here (besides from myself...yes, it is possible) has been from a two year old. I mean hell, I've been used to hugging everyone I talk to practically for my entire life and now you're just going to take that away? I mean, it's your prerogative but to be honest, I really don't think you're playing fair right now.

Until further notice, I believe that's all for now.  Thank you for your time and consideration.  Again, just review what I have mentioned above and I'm sure negotiations can be made.

Sincerely,
            Caitlin

apples to apples

these are some pictures from eckert's with mom, clare and her friend before i left and then some from babysitting some of the cutest, arian kids i know...enjoy!

my favorite picture of clare frances

now that's just the cutest apple i ever did see!

cheeseball central

gross birds, cool colors.

these were bigger than a small child.

gordy: one of the only animals i enjoy spending time with.

my boyfriend and the chalk art i made him.

camels are grotesque

uh johnny, i think that you might be confused on the whole megaphone idea but you're cute so i'll let it fly.

blonds all around.

gangsta

                                                                     what a beast