perfectly lonely

nothing to do
nowhere to be
a simple little kind of free...

ever since i hit adolescence, i wanted a boyfriend.  someone to hang out with all the time, someone to make me feel beautiful and special whenever i didn't feel beautiful or special, someone to take me out on romantic dates, someone that was crazy about me...security. only now, with my profound wisdom and exponential life experience ( italics allude to sarcasm) can i look back and pinpoint exactly what i was yearning for all this time...besides the obvious companionship that comes with being someone's "significant" other, i desired security. i thought i knew who i was, what i wanted, what i stood for, but i needed someone to solidify those things for me so that i would be certain about them. turns out, i didn't fully know who i was, what i wanted, what i stood for.  and i still don't perhaps...afterall, we're always changing.  but the difference for me now, is that i don't need someone to solidify anything about myself for me.  i don't need to feel needed or wanted...although that is a great feeling, i don't need it. i think the biggest reason why i feel this way is because i've found myself in my relationship with god.and i know that a lot of people don't have the same views as me on the big G man, but he is the one constant in my life and as cheesy or hokey as it may sound, he loves me no matter what...hands down...no exceptions or if, ands, or buts. infinite love for such a finite being. i don't know why or how but i just know. it's weird how he's the one being, thing, idea i am one hundred percent sure about, yet he is the biggest mystery of all to me. but this is getting slightly off topic, no offense yahweh. back to the whole needing and wanting of a boyfriend...i just don't. and it's the first time in a long time where i feel this free and excited about being, well, alone. i feel like a kid again. just excited to be playing on the playground and not worried about which boy is going to tag me. i'm just running around, without a care in the world...okay well maybe some cares, but not about the fact that i've never had a serious boyfriend and that i'm not currently in any type of romantic relationship right now. i just LOVE that i don't care about that right now. i mean sure, i'll have that occasional moment where i'll be watching some sappy movie like the wedding planner(which is by the way, one of my guilty pleasures) and think to myself, "man, i wish i had someone to watch this with...and cuddle with...and maybe our love story will be so great that somoene will make a movie about it and jennifer lopez will play me!" but i think that the desire to have that someone to cuddle with is a part of human nature. i've even heard a good number of my guy friends say, "i just want someone to cuddle with!" but those short moments of longing for a companion aren't enough to keep me from this new state of enlightenment and euphoria i am currently in. and i will let no romantic comedy or sappy commercial or intoxicating love song shake me! but enough blogging about the thoughts of my soul...time to update the few reading this sad excuse for a blog about my exciting life!

1. the whyte family dog of 16 years, shiloh, is nearing the end...don't be sad, because honestly we aren't. or at least i'm not. i'm sure that sounds heartless and cold but i just really don't like animals that much. the only one i've ever loved was my dog yadi who died last year.she was the only pet i ever felt a connection with.once in a lifetime kind of love i gues...so no, this is not a really big deal to me that we're taking him to a farm in collinsville i'm pretty sure tomorrow. me and libby started feeling kind of bad about our lack of respect for this old friend of the family as i like to call him so we took him on a "last walk" of sorts. pretty magical.

2. i've been taking pictures a lot more lately. and i've been using this old canon that my dear friend kate seaton gave me and i really like it...i like real pictures so much more than digital. i'll probably put some up for you guys to peruse but don't get too excited...i don't really have any experience or skill so they're not anything to write home about.

3. physical therapy is frustrating for many reasons and i will list them now:
-i don't like working out...i like being active but not like work out machine, pumping iron style
-i'm weaker than a fetus
-i don't really feel like i'm making much progress
-sometimes, while i'm doing balancing exercises, i fall over...and it's a tad embarrassing.
-my physical therapist is a forty-something year old man who is still revelling in his college days...sorry jared, but i don't really care if you LOVED the PKE partiez or about how smashed you would get at them!

4. i'm making a new kind of friendship bracelet and i love it...so watch out, you might be the next one to get one in the mail!

5. i want to send a lot of mail before i leave but haven't yet...i really need to start buckling down and getting things done before i leave.

6. my beautiful mother and i have had a marathon of lunches and breakfasts with people that we love since she's off of work for a couple of weeks due to her toe surgery? she's really great and one of my best friends...that's okay to have your mom be one of your best friends right?

7. i've been really weird lately...weirder than usual. like the kind of weird where i myself am even questioning things that i'm saying/doing. i just find it humorous how obnoxious i can be...i think/hope it's a charming kind of obnoxious though...and i hold onto that notion purely because even when i am being entirely obnoxious, the family still cracks a smile and/or slips a laugh or two so i don't think i'm in the danger zone yet...it is kind of alarming though that i've spent most of my time lately trying to be as weird as possible to my siblings and parents.

8. i am so incredibly entertained, intrigued and weirded out by my sister's sleep talking. i mean, libby talks more in her sleep than she does while she's awake. and i'm not just talking words here and there...no, she is spouting out entire conversations and paragraphs.it's well...creepy.

i need to sleep...that's another thing, i've become a night owl again which i do not enjoy because i loved when i went to bed at 10 and woke up at 8...i need to get back into that routine...especially since in less than a month i will be waking up every morning at 6 am! i'll leave you with some pictures i just got developed. goodnight my loyal followers...whoever you are!